Broken Vows, Unfulfilled Promises
by merder4lifetime
Summary: Post 8.2 One-shot. Meredith & Derek confront each other and face the fears fueling their estrangement, and address the true meaning and commitment of their vows and promises to each other.
1. Chapter 1

_A/N September 25, 2011 – Another story, even a one shot, was definitely not in my plans – ever. But, after watching season premiere last night,( yes, not on Thursday) as with every story I've written, I needed some Meredith and Derek therapy. I've written in its entirety tonight, but I'm going to post in two parts. After the premiere, it's my fear we are in for a roller-coaster ride, and the end is not necessarily what most of us MD fans of seven seasons would like to see unfold. _

_I can't say I'm as inspired as with the others, but, I had to put something in writing, and the last sentiment expressed by Meredith(Part 2) is something I've been pondering since she tampered with the trial, but I've not read or heard any mention of it. Hope this bit of "communication" between them offers a glimpse of hope and healing for a couple I know we all want to see reconciled and working on nurturing their relationship._

_Whether good or bad, would love to read your comments. Warm regards, Jasmin_

_**Post it vows**__ - link to Y - tube not allowed. You can access with the usual www dot you tube dot com slash followed by watch?v=FRj1LHZHYVo _

"_I want to be with you forever, and you want to be with me forever. In order to do that, we need to make vows, a commitment, a contract. Give me a piece of paper."_

"_I have post its." _

"_What do we want to promise each other"?_

"_That you'll love me, even when you hate me."_

"_**To love each other, even when we hate each other.**_

_**No running. Ever. Nobody walks out, no matter what happens."**_

"_No running."_

"_What else?"_

"_That we'll take care of each other, even when we're old and smelly and senile. And if I get Alzheimer's and forget you."_

"_I'll remind you, who I am every day."_

_**"To take care when old, senile, smelly. This is forever."**_

"_This is our wedding…a post it?"_

"_If you sign it."_

"_Then what?"_

"_Now, I kiss the bride."_

"_Married."_

"_Married."_

_**Broken Vows … Unfulfilled Promises – Part 1**_

Tears pooled incessantly in the blue irises, often reflecting shades of grey or green, as dawn drew near, minutes symbolically ticking away, while red rimmed-eyes matched the numbers on the nightstand clock signaling the promise of a new day; one certain to be filled with heartache.

Meredith stirred slightly, the bark of a neighbor's dog breaking the deafening silence of a night void of a baby's cries; of Zola's babbles…her daughter's smiles; gone, possibly forever.

"I promise you," she became lost in thought, much of how she'd spent the night; in the past, immersed in memories of a day not long ago in the elevator. "I will make sure we have a baby. I promise you, one way or another, you and I will be parents. I promise you."

That was one promise he'd fulfilled; others, she thought, past and recent to remain unfulfilled.

Tears allowed to flow freely, intermittent and intermingled with heartbreaking sobs throughout the night, gave rise to a myriad of emotions; thoughts of Derek's absence and detachment turning to painful reminders of years of abandonment. Anger toward him for running away, and at herself for avoiding and allowing him to perpetuate the inevitable confrontation, propelled her from bed, a resolve that wouldn't last very long, and hours before she was due at the hospital ran the shower.

The all too familiar sounds of the ferry docking disrupted his train of thought; effectively giving momentary pause to the tumultuous emotions that had kept Derek from sleeping the night before; anger, resentment, disappointment…and in the depth of his soul… regret, forced him to face the inevitable; the painful moment in the middle of the dark cloudy night when he faced the truth that fueled his anger. Those old fears resurfaced making his chest tighten, adding new ones, the fear that their child, their baby girl was gone, possibly forever.

The first ferry of the morning, normally on time, took exactly thirty five minutes, and on this day; one surely destined for additional heartbreak, the journey had ended too quickly; as quickly as he envisioned the potential fate and demise of his marriage. Now, he delayed the inevitable as he sat in his car and waited for signs of life from their bedroom window.

The usual warmth of the much loved red robe, in part for the many memories created when Derek had playfully discarded it and indulged her every desire, was noticeably absent. Meredith shivered as she looked longingly across the room at the empty crib, then to their bed and her gaze settled on the increasingly blurry blue of a post it note framed by wood.

Derek stood silently outside their bedroom door, wondering where Cristina was; surprised when Alex came out of his room and glared at him with obvious contempt before shutting the bathroom door behind him.

Meredith turned quickly at the sound, and stood unmoving as she met her husband's gaze accusingly.

"I came to get my things." Derek stated exactly the opposite of the reason he'd come. His comment a defensive reaction to the judgment he found in her gaze.

Meredith lifted her chin and sighed deeply, then nodded; unwilling to risk additional heartbreak, the almost unnoticeable quiver of her lips momentarily breaking his barriers.

"We'll get her back," Derek said simply, the smallest attempt at comforting her.

Meredith nodded as she bit her lower lip, and slightly turned away from him as she wiped away her tears. "I think," she faced him again, and met his gaze. "I don't think…that's going to happen."

The sadness in her eyes and defeat in her voice instinctively making him want to reach for her, but refrained. "Meredith," he cleared his throat. "We don't know that."

"I wouldn't be a good Mom," her eyes filled with tears, and she spoke ever so quietly, acceptingly. "Janet…she realized that…like you did."

"Meredith," he stepped toward her, but her next words stopped him.

"It's ok," Meredith told him, resigned, echoing years of self-doubts and abandonment. "You were right…Derek," and then she broke him, "I am a lemon…there's no fixing me."

"Don't you dare," Derek began, his rough tone not matching his emotions; or the overwhelming needs to make amends, to heal the wounds his words had caused. The need to show her, prove to her, his continuous remorse over that statement long ago, over what had been one of the most shameful of his actions in the course of their relationship. Had been, the words of his heart would echo loudly, as now that moment had been replaced by another even deeper wound he had inflected when he questioned her abilities, and reinforced her doubts she could be a good mother.

"Why not," she said defiantly, "it's obviously what you think of me," and the conversation taking a life of its own; so unlike her earlier predawn resolve to stop avoiding and further driven by the mutual suppressed emotions of the last week, erupted like a dormant volcano.

**_A/N - judging from number of comments, not much interest, please let me know if anyone wants to read part 2. Thanks._**


	2. Chapter 2

_A/N - 9/25/11 – This one-shot was not meant to cover it all, but to at least get the conversation started. Whether good or bad, I'd be most grateful for your comment. Thanks so very much to each of you that left a review for the first part, you have no idea how much it means to get feedback. Warm regards, Jasmin_

_Have replied to all that had links available. Maureen, as always thank you for your kind and inspiring words. Peacefulreader, thank you for taking the time to leave such a detailed thoughtful message. _

_**Broken Vows … Unfulfilled Promises – Part 2**_

Their bedroom became a battle ground, a series of mutual verbal barbs spewing in the minutes that followed; illogical, irrational, and not in any particular order that would make sense to anyone but them; the wounded, with wounds that had cut deep into their hearts and souls.

"What about you," Derek retorted. "You think you have no one to answer to …you're above consequences…never thinking beyond the moment…"

"Your words and promises mean nothing…" Meredith accused, not even listening to his last statement.

"I can't trust you," he yelled; guilt, the corresponding reaction, immediately sparked by the words that followed her mention of the god-forsaken night when he'd batted away his mother's ring. Then, he walked away from her. Again.

"I've had a hell of a lot more reasons not to trust you," she yelled back, "from the day we met. But, that hasn't stopped me from loving you… it hasn't stopped me from being at your side…even when you were drunk and pushing me away," he flinched, it was as though she was reading his mind, "it hasn't stopped me from forgiving you, every time you've said or done things that hurt me…"

"What about you?" He knew it wasn't a very convincing argument. "You've hurt me too. Every chance you get…every time we argue…you throw the past in my face…"

"Because," she yelled at him, "I can't forget…and you always remind me how unworthy I am…how insignificant…"

"I've apologized over and over," he told her, but her tirade continued, almost irrationally.

"You haven't even asked me how I am…how I feel," she paused briefly and gathered her composure, suddenly quieter, softer. "How it feels…to have your heart break in a million pieces…when I know my husband," she emphasized, "doesn't think it's worth trying to understand what happened…not worth trying to figure out what made me do something I hardly understand myself… and then," she took a deep breath, "reminds me… my crappy genes also make me unworthy of being a mother…of giving you what you want…and walks away…from me," she didn't even attempt to hide her tears from him, "you weren't here Derek… I brought our little girl home…and you weren't here…"

"I've been here," Derek said defensively. "I've taken care of her. I love her."

"You…" Meredith told him, "were supposed to love me too," her voice breaking as sadness overwhelmed her, "the one person I thought would always love me…you don't love me."

"If you loved me," he retorted, regret surfacing simultaneously as he knew his words were false, yet his shame was reflected in anger, "you wouldn't have betrayed me…our trust."

"It wasn't just me Derek…" she said. "You haven't talked to me…haven't made an effort to understand. I know what I did was wrong…I do know that…but, I didn't do it to hurt you…or maliciously…I thought was helping Adele, but you…you're deliberately hurting me…"

"You could have told me Meredith," the tone of his voice became louder. "But, it's always the same…keeping things from me."

"Is it Derek?" She challenged. "How long has it been since I've kept something from you?"

"You wouldn't tell me…"

"I couldn't tell you," she said, "don't you get it? I thought it would make it worse. I didn't want to implicate you…for once," she repeated his words from long ago. "I was taking responsibilities for my actions…"

"But," he reminded her. "You didn't think about the consequences, if you had told me," his anger diminishing slightly as he thought of all she'd said this morning.

"You're right. I didn't think of the consequences. I recognize that. But, it was already too late. What could you have done? How would it have helped?" She asked him.

"We could have figured it out," he told her.

"Derek," Meredith challenged, again, but her voice was softer, her tone spoke of understanding. "If you really think that…if you think we could have figured it out, then why are you so angry with me now?"

"You lied to me," he answered immediately, then paused. "You didn't trust me," anger absent for the first time in days. "I hated that you wouldn't trust me."

"But," she said, the energy devoted to anger totally spent. "I never broke our vows…read them…"

"I…" he looked stunned. His mother was right. His wife thought in hues of grey.

"No running," she repeated their vows. "Ever."

He was speechless. She was right. They'd both been wrong, but she hadn't run. Unlike in the past, she'd wanted to talk. Had spent a week seeking him out, not hiding behind a wall of avoidance, and then realization dawned on him loud and clear with the fear that had kept him awake at night and led to his early morning journey, which had gone so horribly wrong the minute he'd seen the reproach in her eyes.

"Even when I've hated you," Meredith said quietly, sadly. "I've loved you…and you don't…"

"I do love you," he said. Finally, admitting, accepting the reason for his overwhelming anger.

"Our vows Derek…" she said, without accusation, only facts, "they mean nothing to you."

"They mean everything," he said emphatically. "Even if I haven't…even…" fears engulfed him.

"I understand," Meredith said meekly, and his guilt resurfaced.

"What do you understand?" he asked, owning up to his actions. "That I've failed you, again?"

"Derek," she said, her heart filled with pain at the loss of their dreams, their inability to communicate. "You didn't fail me. We failed each other," she admitted, "and we need to decide if this…whatever this is," she waved her hand toward the framed vows, "is worth saving."

"I've been so angry with you," he began, like Meredith had earlier, responding to his own emotions, rather than her words. "So angry at what you did…" his voice was choked, and he pursed his lips, "you…" he shook his head, "you…" his eyes filled with tears, admitting to her, for the first time, the underlying fear responsible for feeding his anger, "ruined our chance…"

"Did I?" her eyes glittered as his, instinctively knowing their fears were the same. "Have I?"

"You…" he met her gaze, unwavering, "you….ruined my chance to make sure…to find a cure…to make sure you'd always," she bridged the distance between them, as he looked down, then whispered, "remember."

"Don't you think," she said softly, tenderly she cupped his face. "I know…at first," she continued, "it was without thinking…only for Adele…to give her back what my mother took from her…"

"You," Derek said, shaking his head, "are not responsible."

"Then," Meredith interrupted him, "these days that followed," and admitted, "the time spent with Zola…thinking of the future…I knew…there had been more selfish reasons." A knowing, sad filled, smile on her face. "All I could think about, all I could imagine…was that one day… one day that could be me… remembering…no matter how long we'd been together… remembering…only that you picked her…that you'd chosen Addison."

"Meredith…"

"And maybe," neither was able to prevent the tears from falling, "just maybe… and selfishly…if Adele could be ok…I could be too…and never forget…you…and our little girl…"

"Oh God," Derek groaned, "oh God…" his voice broke, as her arms opened to him, and they embraced each other, and gave in to their fears; fears left unspoken in the aftermath of her decision; mutual fears of a future where losing each other, emotionally, loomed over that lifetime he'd dreamed for them together, those hundred years where he'd die in her arms.

Tears, heartbreakingly, shed over broken vows and unfulfilled promises paved the path toward healing, and the journey to forgiveness, and to a reaffirming of vows meant to be forever; vows long ago fated for a legendary and extraordinary couple; tears of regret, and ultimately, of hope that led to vows never again meant to be broken and promises always fulfilled.

_A/N – It's rather unlikely we will ever see Meredith & Derek talk or have their reconciliation unfold on the screen. My expectations for Grey's are only of disillusions in regard to Meredith and Derek. Given the continued insistence from Rhimes to continue with the "screw you Meredith" syndrome, it would not surprise me for her to begin manifesting signs of early onset of Alzheimer's and for the character of Derek Shepherd to be killed as the season ends. Like George & Izzie, it appears if any of the actors dare to disagree with Rhimes, retaliation on screen is her response. What a shame, she indeed owns the characters and chooses not to capitalize on Dempsey/Pompeo chemistry, and for incomprehensible reasons is angered at fans/viewers passion to see this "legendary" couple happy. Rhimes' loss, as personally, and I know many others that feel the same, will never support any of her future productions. _

_Thanks again for reading, truly would appreciate your comments after this 2__nd__ part._


End file.
